What is permissive counseling?
Permissive counseling is a way of healing and helping each other heal through undivided, loving attention–by safely encouraging emotional release in ourselves and the friends we support.
This system harnesses people’s innate abilities to heal themselves. Unlike traditional counseling where the expert attempts to “heal” the client, permissive counseling is peer-to-peer communication where each person is the expert on themself.
Why are we using permissive counseling in this community?
This model sets the tone for the group. And here are some other important reasons:
We can’t “fix” other people. But everyone has innate, unique abilities to heal themselves given the right space and tools. The boundary of what we can do for each other is to offer that space and tools for others to use when they are ready.
We don’t want to further traumatize each other or clients. Doulas are not trained as mental health professionals or counselors. In untrained, inexperienced hands, active counseling techniques can cause more harm than good. Permissive counseling, on the other hand, is a powerful skill anyone can learn to do and can practice without harming others.
Talking about trauma requires structure. Otherwise, it comes out in all kinds of wacky and harmful ways. Permissive counseling gives us safe boundaries and helps keep us from getting distracted by all the ways trauma expresses itself.
How does permissive counseling work?
It’s so simple! It’s all about loving attention and the powerful healing that releases.
Here are some general guidelines:
Keep confidentiality. This is the first rule of the Doula Power group.
Permit and encourage any form of release. Different people have different needs. When all forms of release are treated as valid, each person will find the right way to release their stuck hurt.
Do not confuse the healing process with the hurt itself. Tears, trembling, or outbursts are not an expression of the hurt itself; they are the releasing of the hurt.
Avoid drugs and alcohol prior to engaging with each other. Be mindful even about your sugar and caffeine intake, as they affect people in different ways. (I, Cristen, don’t engage in permissive counseling when I’ve had a certain amount of coffee. I know it makes me more aggressive and less present.)
Here are some more specific guidelines:
Ground yourself or “get in your body.” Spend a little time grounding and centering yourself before you engage with the group (or your client). This might take 30 seconds or much longer, depending on how new this practice is for you. The good news: it’s a very simple practice that gets easier every time you do it. Here are some simple ideas for getting grounded.
Think well of each other. Look at each other and respect each other as real human beings underneath the masks and postures we all assume. Even if the person in front of us has forgotten it for the moment, they are capable and their own best guide. Simply providing loving attention is deeply healing by itself, and counteracts the core hurts we all have around not getting enough quality attention.
Give quality attention. Quality attention is centered around what the other person needs, not what we need or are curious about. This means making comments that validate each other’s feelings, expressing interest in others’ well-being and words, paraphrasing what they are saying (rather than steering it), and permitting/encouraging emotional release.
End by “Presencing.” It’s important to transition out of old memories or unpleasant thoughts and back into the present moment. This can be a physical act like looking around the room and saying what you see, or getting up and moving around. It can be as simple as switching the topic of conversation to something pleasant, positive, or neutral.
What are some examples of supportive comments?
Appreciation
– I’ve never been able to admit this to anyone before.
– Thank you for trusting me with it. You are very brave to do it now.
Validation
– I don’t think I am doing this very well. I am boring you.
– I really do want to hear all about it. This is really hard stuff you’re working on; you’re doing great!
Paraphrasing
– I can barely stand to think about it, it was so painful.
– That incident really hurt you a lot.
Permission
– I know I shouldn’t be so mad, but it really bothered me!
– You have a right to feel your feelings. It is fine to let that anger be there.
When you don’t know what to say, remember that loving attention is a powerful tool in itself!
What are some examples of “what not to do”?
We do not
Give advice. We allow each other to work out our own solutions.
Pity each other. Compassion is empowering; pity is not.
Judge, invalidate, or belittle. Respect is key to maintaining an atmosphere of trust.
Insert our own experiences in someone else’s story. It can be helpful to share your own experience to help someone else feel less isolated, but please be careful that you are not shifting attention away from that person and onto you if you choose to share your own experience as someone else is needing attention around theirs.
Become overly emotional. Keep in mind that your emotions are your own responsibility.
Interrupt. If someone is in the middle of releasing an emotion, let them complete that release.
Give our opinion. We give attention, not opinions! 😉
Put words into others’ mouths or make connections for them. This is disempowering for others and can prevent them from unravelling their own distress.
Ask irrelevant questions. Satisfying our own curiosity about irrelevant details hijacks the attention away from others.
Analyze. We encourage each other to feel our feelings and release. We are not trained to analyze, and it’s not why we’re here.
We do
Give undivided, loving attention and support. <3
Note: If some of this doesn’t make sense to you, that’s okay! We are all learning this together and there will be plenty of room for that learning curve.
Thank you to Nekole Shapiro of Holistic Peer Counseling for allowing us to adapt her material for this instruction, and her model for our group!